Yeah, HEY

Everyone stop bugging me.

"when's the next post coming?"

"Oh, I've been busy"

"Come on, man."

"Oh, uhm.....nah,"

and then that's it.

This is that post. These are the words of a generation. This is the post in the fence line that divides some obscure piece of property with a small home from the barren, dry land that it is ensconced in. Fruitless now, perhaps once providing a living for a small town farmer. But now to Bruce. His name didn't matter........he didn't have a name. He looked over the crackled, hot land that was what he imagined a leather wallet might look like under a microscope. The sun shone down. He chewed a piece of straw, trite an action as he knew it was, and it secreted a scarcity of bland tones onto the meager saliva that rested upon his tongue and teeth, what few he had.

His tongue had one of those little cracks in it. In the center. Where you see someone has it and you're like "what the fuck? .....Do I have that? What did he eat too many sour patch kids or something? What a thing to have." Don't look at people's tongues. They're for licking, not looking.

Anyhow Bruce is standing there all like "Man it's a notch over warm, god damn it."
He's wearing some tattered white shirt with the sleeves ending at his shoulder. He sectioned them off with a machete. One might even say......he macheted them off.

His son pulls around the horse. The horse is all like

"Hey uhm....HEY BRUCE...I'm a horse"

"I reckoned that before ya spake it"

"Still...I'm a horse"

"Well....of course"

"Don't fluck with me right now"

His son, Amanda, interjected;

"Hey guys, it's not like there's some flipping contest about shit that you're winning by saying more words"

I think this story is a classic.

This is a post.

Butt holes like to say the following things:


1: "Yeah man I don't eat fast food anymore. It's seriously been like...I don't know how long since I ate at Mcdonald's or Burger King or whatever."

And then either:

"I mean you just feel like crap after you go there it's like...why? You know? I mean I just start thinking like...this stuff is crap and it's crappy for me and like what the hell."

OR:

"I mean there's guys making money off of feeding these people shit. Seriously have you seen super size me I was like 'fuck that.' Am I right?"

Yeah, you are right! And let me guess, you don't drink soda either? It's just too sweet, right? You are a patron saint of health! Is there a fucking congressional medal of honor that you can get for not eating things?!?! HAND IT OUT IMMEDIATELY.

It's not like I'm inhaling Mcflurry's and five layer burritos either, but I don't throw this little 'gem' out there to:
A) Start up some pseudo-scientific health conversation with another idiot
B) Make someone who does eat fast food feel guilty (even though anyone who does eat fast food should be incinerated)



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2. "Nah I haven't seen that one, hehe...uhm, to be honest I don't really watch a whole lot of T.V. I just don't. I don't even know any shows."

This is an all too common one. Followed by some sort of guilt-inducing mini-rant about how reading, hiking, or doing community service occupies their time.

Hey guy - give it a rest. We all know you're a trail hiker and you shop at Mountain Hard Wear. We see the bike rack on your Subaru. And your reusable Whole Foods bags.

Why snub it? Just because it has this guilt-by-association laziness and gluttony - 'if you watch t.v. at all, then that is all you do in your free time.'

People like to revel in putting something like "none/go outside/tv is for morons" on their Facebook profile under TV shows, but...

...I for one carry the burden of guilt that comes with watching TV. I learn about cooking on the food network, I laugh at Tim and Eric, and I enjoy some trashy MTV/VH1 reality (in the same way I enjoy the movie Kickboxing Academy/Air Bud). And even though I find the time to do outdoor activities, I am just another TV zombie piece of dirt.

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My First Blog!

Where to start? I think I'll go with that tacky question to make myself sound self-aware. Lol. I am mainly making this post so I don't have to encounter the inevitable miasma of never starting to write because I don't know how or where to begin...

I hope to have pretty interesting entries, and they'll probably be directed to an audience. I'm pretty sure that's how this website works, but I'm not trying to pretend that I don't know about this website to come off all cool. Like when people know exactly what something is but they're afraid to acknowledge it.
"Uhhmm I think the show is like....uhhh....something like 'sing your best' or uhm...like american singer...or something I don't really watch it."
Clearly, asswipe, you know what american idol is. Same thing happens with pokemon. My vet pretended not to know pokemon. I take my cat Pikachu (the most popular breed of pokemon that everyone knows) in there and this older woman in there was like

"Pikachu huh? That's an interesting name...isn't that from something?"

"yeah...that is..."

"yeah...like a....like a poke man or something...right?"

"yeah......exactly right"

"Oh i'll stop being a fake ass punk about it then"

Pikachu: "That's rights.....minceee...."


Being a veterinarian would be nice. I wonder if they get paid as much as medical doctors. Likely not. But it'd be worth the 30K sacrificed to just be like "give it dry food...uhm...don't run it over.....give it these pills wrapped in a piece of cheese..."
I really don't think dogs should eat cheese, but that is traditionally how it's done where I'm from. I eat my pills with cheese too. I'm like "I have a migraine, AND I want to have trouble taking a shit..." Problem solved.

Hey if you're reading this and you write blogs here- do you ever notice the thing in the bottom right of this box when you're writing??? Hahaha it says

"Labels for this post:
e.g. scooters, vacation, fall"

Vacation? sure. Fall? absolutely. Scooters? ...Scooters. Scooters? Scooters: Scooters.......

Do I have to be the guy that calls out people who are blogging about seeing a scooter, buying a scooter, riding a scooter, liking scooters, naming a child scooter, nicknaming a loved one scooter, not seeing a scooter, subscribing to a scooter magazine, doing a scooter trick, being a scooter, bringing a scooter, watching a scooter movie, and/or scooting along?

Scooter?

Not bicycle. Not skateboard. Not even rollerblades. Scooters.

.....uhm....

...Having said that they were a pretty hot item about 9 years ago, I must say. I actually had a Razor scooter. I couldn't do any tricks but I could cruise pretty good. It was from the Sharper Image, which is wierd because it was a scooter, not a 2,600 dollar Deluxe Espresso Machine made out of mahogany and diamonds. Nor a table that you can plug in so it heats up at the surface for your food.

If I saw a kid on a scooter tomorrow I'd probably mow him down. There should be "DO NOT YIELD" signs for little tools on scooters. I would have gladly have had both my legs broken for the amusement that it would provide the hero that hit me with their vehicle. Hard.
I would be cruising with my hands on the dinky little handlebar like "yay," then I would just EAT the grill of a god damned Ford F-250 Diesel Double Truck Twin Axle Sports Edition.
That would be the way to go down.

Just kidding.

Yep, welp, this is my first blog ever so excuse any hipocricy, mispronunciations, misappropriations, lower casings, stipulations, staples, and presuppositions.